The luxurious experience of nightclub bottle service is not wasted on the casual clubgoer. More and more people have begun to figure out that waiting in line for an hour to receive a $15 dollar drink is not the best investment of their time or money. Bottle service is considered to be the ultimate investment in terms of nightlife activity because it pays off immediately in the form of intoxication and attention from the opposite gender. Like any investment, however, one must seriously weigh the pros and cons of this service before they decide to “get loose off the ‘Goose”.
If you don’t spell your first name with a P. and your last name with a Diddy, then your jaw will drop like a trap door when you scan a bottle service menu for the first time. If you are any good at math, some quick calculations will tell you that paying for a bottle at a nightclub is nearly ten times the cost of paying for that same bottle at your local grocery store. It’s kind of silly when you think about paying $400 for a bottle of Grey Goose, when you can get it at a liquor store for $40, but sometimes you just have to let it ride. Justifications for that kind of inflation are hard to come by until you realize you realize that these charges afford you the opportunity to act like the aforementioned P. Diddy, even if it’s only for a night. You can tear it up like Diddy at New York City hotspots Lotus and Bungalow 8, which both offer extensive bottle service lists at reasonable prices. Don’t be that guy stuck waiting in line or at the bar.
Another no-brainer about bottle service is that it often has the unique power to attract members of the opposite sex. Although they may only be offering you attention to get at another shot of Patron, nobody is going to question the ulterior motives of an attractive person. Plus you don’t even have to listen to them talk if you don’t want to because the music is so loud. It’s great! Bottle service allows you to simply skip the awkwardness of that pickup line you learned in 9th grade and cut straight to the fun party zone much faster with the person of your choice. They might not know anything about you or care to know anything about you, but you will have booze and that’s always a great place to start. Want to know another great place to start? Miami. LeBron James was onto something when he told us how much talent he was going to score in South Beach … he did say that right? Anyways, Mokai and Mansion are a few of the hottest clubs in Miami that will gladly assist you in blowing some cash for bottle services.
The accompanying table that comes with your bottle service investment is another important bonus. Tables at clubs are a hot commodity because they provide a re-grouping point from the frenzy of the dance floor. Plus you don’t have to worry about Affliction Dude or Ms. Uppity 22-Year-Old Lightweight running into you and spilling your precious cocktail. Depending on where your table is and what alcohol you are drinking, you and your boys will look the part of high rollers. You will feel it too. Put it this way, it’s like going to the Super Bowl and sitting in the first row on the 50-yard line. Anyone can buy a ticket to the game, but you are the guy that’s interested in the front-row ticket experience.
Other ‘pro’ features of the bottle service experience include VIP treatment from the hostesses. These are girls that are either sexy hostesses that work part time as a stripper, or strippers that work part time as a sexy hostess. The arrangement works out to your benefit either way. They will whisper sweet nothings in your ear and give you the fakest of fake digits, but you won’t even care. They might never go for a guy like me or you, but these hostesses make for one hell of a wingman when you want some ladies sent over to your table. I’m serious! If you tip these bottle service hostesses right, they will direct attractive women to your table all night. Check out Blush, Pure, or anywhere else in Las Vegas and find your own wingman. Goose is already there, so that makes you Maverick. I guess she can be Sugar T… nevermind.
The bottle service investment also guarantees you entrance into a club. You will avoid wasting the night away in line with all the regulars who try tirelessly to convince the doorman that they ‘know’ somebody. Once inside, you will also be allowed to bypass the overcrowded bar scene completely. And just because Los Angeles natives are used to waiting around in traffic, that doesn’t mean you should stand in a club line the next time you are in the City of Angels. Hit up L.A.’s hottest nightclubs, The Edison or Le Deux, to reserve your table service and fast pass into the club. It beats the hell out of fighting your way through a mob of L.A’s finest hipsters.
Bottle expenditures aside, there were only two cons I could come up with. However, I can realistically talk them into being pros too, so you will have to decide for yourself. First, nightclubs often slap a two-bottle minimum on table reservations, which as you know adds another $300 onto the bill. This is sort of a con, but it teeters onto the pro side because when is drinking more ever a bad thing? The other con I came up with was the end-of-the-night, drunken splurge that is sure to come when your new attractive friends mention leaving because the alcohol is running low. It’s usually at this point that you throw the Hail Mary into the end zone and order a bottle of Dom Perignon. I think we need a Venn Diagram because ordering Don Perignon is as much a pro as it is a con. Pro: Giving yourself and everybody on the dance floor a Don Perignon shower. Con: Realizing the next morning that your popping bottles escapade came with a $550 price tag. I guess that’s the price you pay to wake up feeling like P. Diddy. I know you know what I’m talking about Ke$ha.
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