Staff contributor: A. Selway Ryan
A team of nutritionists and trainers has announced over the course of the past eighty-seven issues of a prominent men’s magazine that abdominal definition is within the grasp of the average newsstand shopper.
The findings have, do, and will seemingly perpetually show that a diet low in saturated fats, combined with a rigorous target training program, greatly increases the probability that you will be able to grate parmesan on your chest.
“Inside: the secret to the kind of abs the ladies will love,” said managing editor Nate Callaghan, not bothering to specify volume, issue, or page number. “Take five minutes a day for a new you.”
“Repetition is the soul of sexy,” Mr. Callaghan added.
Observers say this breakthrough, stale and obvious though it may be, could serve an important purpose for the future of male-female relations.
“As it is, men have an increasingly tenuous hold on female sexuality,” commented prominent behavioral scientist Winston Cockburn of the University of Chicago. “For men, driving yourself towards abnormal extremes—no pun intended—could be a way of warding off the looming demise of our species.”
Dr. Cockburn attributes this perpetual discovery to a growing realization of the inadequacy of the gender. Men, he reasons, do not find partners without a razor-sharp, diuretic-fueled hold on their body mass index.
This would help to explain why men outside the modeling industry have been unable to court female attention without the aid of wax molds, magazine cutouts glued to the chest, or carefully arranged mirrors.
“Obviously, alcohol is playing a crucial role here, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to convince the modern woman that flab is fab,” concludes Dr. Cockburn.
Personal trainer Mark Granger has seen a marked increase in business since the magazine’s ongoing announcement.
“We can bring you from gut to cut in six months, tops,” said Mr. Granger, “And it’s all thanks to the our magazine’s secret.”