The headlines are a flurry of fury, ‘Beat it, Beckham,’ ‘Beckham the Bum’, ‘Stupid Idiot Beckham Can’t Even Make the Sockie Wockie Team’ – Okay a few of those headlines may have been fabricated…by me – but the hard-hitting news is the same.

It turns out that Baby Faced Beckham failed to make the British soccer team for the London Olympics – shocking the entire planet. We all assumed Beckham would make the cut, mostly because he is the only soccer player most of us recognize, but sadly the man failed to make coach Stuart Pearce’s final list for the London Olympic squad.

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Infuriated fans should blame the cruelty of evolution.

Beckham’s elderly bones are the problem. Apparently only three spaces are reserved on the team for players over the hideously old age of – 23. Beckham who has lived a staggering 37 years, poses a risk to the coaches, who fear he may drop dead of Alzheimer’s or Osteoporosis before the game ends.

However Beckham’s old age has done one thing for his betterment –it has made him incredibly talented at supplying wise and mature quotes. Such as:

“Everyone knows how much playing for my country has always meant to me, so I would have been honored to have been part of this unique Team GB squad,” Beckham the Sage said.

And, “Naturally I am very disappointed, but there will be no bigger supporter of the team than me. And like everyone, I will be hoping they can win the gold,” Messiah David spoke.

If nothing else, Beckham can use his newly open schedule to tour the world as a new-age guru clad in linen and Birkenstocks.